an alien spaceship landed in death valley.
it was not all that big, about the size of a double decker city bus. it was shaped like a watermelon, and colored a dull green.
no one or anything seemed to exit from it in the first twenty-four hours after it landed.
the rulers of the fourteen empires left on earth had a conference and decided to try to blow it to hell and gone.
to no one’s surprise, the efforts failed totally. there did not seem to be a dent in the ship, after the united empires did their worst.
after that a small city, made up mostly of reporters from all over the planet, sprang up around the site.
a hotel was built for the representatives of the empires, who agreed to wait for a year to see if anything emerged from the ship.
but they did not have to wait as long as they feared.
on the fourteenth day, a door, or hatch, opened on the top of the ship.
a human sized and somewhat human looking creature emerged.
lefty smith, of the tokyo register, and righty jones, of the london express, were the only customers in the number one bar, on the outskirts of the hastily constructed city. they were watching the ship on the bar's tv screen, which was tuned to the camera focused on the ship.
they had made a bet on the alien. lefty taking the proposition that the alien would look, or at least have made itself up to look, human, and righty taking the opposite view, that it would not look human at all. the bet was for a draft beer and a ham sandwich.
the “alien” looked kind of clumsy. its head was a little too big and square for its neck and shoulders and its arm and leg movements were a bit strained, but there was no question lefty won the bet.
you win, man, righty sighed. you want that beer and ham sandwich now?
no, i will have it later. you want to go out and see and hear this for ourselves ?
no, it’s too hot out there.
i agree.
sid, the bartender, changed the tv screen to show one of the news broadcasts. the human security forces had redoubled their perimeter guard around the ship, and the raised bandstand for the imperial ambassadors had been rolled forward, for their excellencies to get a better view of the proceedings. hordes of reporters, more aggressive or conscientious than lefty and righty, clustered at the sides of the bandstand with their cameras and notebooks.
the alien began to speak. he did not need a microphone, or he had one built in, and he could be heard clearly.
his message was brief, and as follows:
greetings, peoples of this planet, which, of course, you refer to as “the earth”.
as you well know, you are in dire peril of extinction. the reasons need not detain us here.
i am the representative of a not inconsequential galactic empire, which is here to save you.
on certain conditions. i repeat, on certain conditions.
you will have one year - one of your own years - to fulfill these conditions. i will leave after making my address today, and return in that year’s time. if you have fulfilled the conditions, well and good, but if you have not, then too bad, jim, to use one of your quainter expressions.
before i go on, i would like to take note of your pathetic attempts to blow us up. a really sad performance, one of the worst i have seen, and i have seen some weak ones.
moving right along, here are the conditions. there are four of them.
you have strayed from the right path, and here are the ways you must get back.
first - slavery. slavery is the basis of civilization. you must bring it back, and at least ninety percent of your inhabitants must be restored to it. we do not care who or why, but the figure of ninety percent must be met.
second - females. i do not know what you thought you were doing, but all, and i mean all, females, without exception, must be restored to their natural state and deprived of all so-called rights and kept locked up at all times.
third - reproduction. reproductive organs will be used for that purpose and no other, unless they have some other certifiable biological purpose. anyone violating this condition should be treated as harshly as possible.
fourth and finally - churchgoing! all you people must go to church once a week! any of your gods or goddesses will do - moloch, buddha, ra, osiris, diana the huntress, elvis, taylor swift, oprah, stalin, einstein, darwin, aretha franklin, emily dickinson, janey smith, bob the weeper, we don’t care - but you must all belong to a religion and attend church services once a week.
i have made myself as clear as i can. i will see you in a year’s time.
with that, the alien dropped back down into the ship. after a pause of about two minutes, the ship shot straight up into the sky and disappeared.
lefty pointed to the television. would you mind turning that off? he asked sid. i don’t want to listen to you know who.
that was kind of harsh, righty said, when the tv had been turned off. didn’t you think?
it could have been worse, lefty said.
but, righty said, don’t you realize we have a 90 percent chance of being slaves?
we’re journalists. the cream of civilization. i think i will have that beer and ham sandwich now, if you don’t mind.
and don’t forget, sid said, there is no guarantee they will go along with all those conditions. and if they try to shove them down our throat, maybe the human race will get a little backbone and stand up and fight.
yeah, right. can i get that sandwich here, or do we have to go somewhere else?
no, i can make you a sandwich. ham, right? you want cheese on it? mustard?
mustard on the side, please. on the side. i like to put it on myself.
