novel 89 - 1. roger

by fred flynn

part one of ?

on a dark and rainy night, a man was walking down the street. perhaps he was lonely. he heard footsteps behind him and quickened his pace. roger!  roger rafingham!  hold up, old fellow! that is not my name, he thought abstractedly, and stopped. were you speaking to me? he turned and enquired of the red faced but distinguished looking individual who was hurriedly approaching him through the wind and rain. roger!  how astonishing to meet you!  and on such a night! it is raining cats and dogs enough to float noah's ark all over again. my name is not roger. but of course it is, old fellow!  do you not recognize me - sheridan hood-st nottingham?  we were at bromley heath together, and in the guards.  heavens, what a night! but.of course!  how could i have forgotten?  forgive me, old boy - i am subject to these curious attacks of indigo from time to time, and forget who i am. quite all right. quite understandable under the circumstances. look here, i know quite a quaint little tea shoppe nearby where we can get out of this beastly weather and talk of old times, what do you say? i would prefer a jolly old inn where we can quaff some strong old english ale. i know just the place.  i say, you look a bit unsteady on your feet. take my arm, if you please, and we will repair there . and so they did. to be continued

the messenger

by fred flynn

an alien spaceship landed in death valley. it was not all that big, about the size of a double decker city bus. it was shaped like a watermelon, and colored a dull green. no one or anything seemed to exit from it in the first twenty-four hours after it landed. the rulers of the fourteen empires left on earth had a conference and decided to try to blow it to hell and gone. to no one’s surprise, the efforts failed totally. there did not seem to be a dent in the ship, after the united empires did their worst. after that a small city, made up mostly of reporters from all over the planet, sprang up around the site. a hotel was built for the representatives of the empires, who agreed to wait for a year to see if anything emerged from the ship. but they did not have to wait as long as they feared. on the fourteenth day, a door, or hatch, opened on the top of the ship. a human sized and somewhat human looking creature emerged. lefty smith, of the tokyo register, and righty jones, of the london express, were the only customers in the number one bar, on the outskirts of the hastily constructed city. they were watching the ship on the bar's tv screen, which was tuned to the camera focused on the ship. they had made a bet on the alien. lefty taking the proposition that the alien would look, or at least have made itself up to look, human, and righty taking the opposite view, that it would not look human at all. the bet was for a draft beer and a ham sandwich. the “alien” looked kind of clumsy. its head was a little too big and square for its neck and shoulders and its arm and leg movements were a bit strained, but there was no question lefty won the bet. you win, man, righty sighed. you want that beer and ham sandwich now? no, i will have it later. you want to go out and see and hear this for ourselves ? no, it’s too hot out there. i agree. sid, the bartender, changed the tv screen to show one of the news broadcasts. the human security forces had redoubled their perimeter guard around the ship, and the raised bandstand for the imperial ambassadors had been rolled forward, for their excellencies to get a better view of the proceedings. hordes of reporters, more aggressive or conscientious than lefty and righty, clustered at the sides of the bandstand with their cameras and notebooks. the alien began to speak. he did not need a microphone, or he had one built in, and he could be heard clearly. his message was brief, and as follows: greetings, peoples of this planet, which, of course, you refer to as “the earth”. as you well know, you are in dire peril of extinction. the reasons need not detain us here. i am the representative of a not inconsequential galactic empire, which is here to save you. on certain conditions. i repeat, on certain conditions. you will have one year - one of your own years - to fulfill these conditions. i will leave after making my address today, and return in that year’s time. if you have fulfilled the conditions, well and good, but if you have not, then too bad, jim, to use one of your quainter expressions. before i go on, i would like to take note of your pathetic attempts to blow us up. a really sad performance, one of the worst i have seen, and i have seen some weak ones. moving right along, here are the conditions. there are four of them. you have strayed from the right path, and here are the ways you must get back. first - slavery. slavery is the basis of civilization. you must bring it back, and at least ninety percent of your inhabitants must be restored to it. we do not care who or why, but the figure of ninety percent must be met. second - females. i do not know what you thought you were doing, but all, and i mean all, females, without exception, must be restored to their natural state and deprived of all so-called rights and kept locked up at all times. third - reproduction. reproductive organs will be used for that purpose and no other, unless they have some other certifiable biological purpose. anyone violating this condition should be treated as harshly as possible. fourth and finally - churchgoing! all you people must go to church once a week! any of your gods or goddesses will do - moloch, buddha, ra, osiris, diana the huntress, elvis, taylor swift, oprah, stalin, einstein, darwin, aretha franklin, emily dickinson, janey smith, bob the weeper, we don’t care - but you must all belong to a religion and attend church services once a week. i have made myself as clear as i can. i will see you in a year’s time. with that, the alien dropped back down into the ship. after a pause of about two minutes, the ship shot straight up into the sky and disappeared. lefty pointed to the television. would you mind turning that off? he asked sid. i don’t want to listen to you know who. that was kind of harsh, righty said, when the tv had been turned off. didn’t you think? it could have been worse, lefty said. but, righty said, don’t you realize we have a 90 percent chance of being slaves? we’re journalists. the cream of civilization. i think i will have that beer and ham sandwich now, if you don’t mind. and don’t forget, sid said, there is no guarantee they will go along with all those conditions. and if they try to shove them down our throat, maybe the human race will get a little backbone and stand up and fight. yeah, right. can i get that sandwich here, or do we have to go somewhere else? no, i can make you a sandwich. ham, right? you want cheese on it? mustard? mustard on the side, please. on the side. i like to put it on myself.

trees

by fred flynn

once upon a time there was a mad scientist named professor glumm. he decided to conquer the world by developing an army of creatures called shmucks who would regard him as a god and do his bidding. he rented a farm outside watertown new york, and with his assistant, grub, began breeding and raising the shmucks. in order to feed the shmucks, the professor and grub planted a number of morb trees and an equal number of mumm trees. the morbs contained vitamin b and the mumms contained vitamin c. things went well at first, as the young shmucks absorbed their early lessons. the professor and grub noted that the little shmucks seemed to prefer the fruit of the morb trees to the fruit of the mumm trees, but as they generally ate what they were given, this was not seen as a problem. but as the shmucks got bigger and older, they began to show a distinct preference for the morbs over the mumms. they began leaving their dormitories at night, and stripping the morb trees bare. the mumm fruit began to pile up and rot under the mumm trees, because the shmucks refused to help grub gather them. the professor himself took hours off from writing his papers to help his overworked assistant, but it was to no avail. nothing the professor or glum could do or devise could persuade the shmucks to eat the mumm fruits. deprived of their necessary amounts of vitamin c, the shmucks grew restless, inattentive, and surly in class, and even more restless and surly at night in their dormitories, and they began plotting against professor glumm. finally, a leader emerged among the shmucks, and they broke into the professor’s mansion and murdered him in his bed and escaped into the countryside. glum and a young shmuck female hitchhiked into syracuse. they got married and opened a convenience store which aggressively promoted the sale of lottery tickets. the rest of the human race, not realizing what a close escape it had had, went about its business.

stranger in town

by fred flynn

a stranger came to town. he appeared at mccarthy’s coffee shop, the only place in town a stranger could enter without a password. little eddie saw the stranger and ran and told sheriff john brown. sheriff john brown moseyed over to the coffee shop. he found the stranger enjoying a plain espresso and a five berry yogurt. howdy, stranger. howdy. mind coming with me and answering a few questions? it’s just a formality. you can finish your yogurt. i do not mind at all, the stranger replied, and after leisurely finishing his espresso and yogurt he followed the sheriff over to his office. have a seat, said the sheriff, and the stranger did. the sheriff sat down behind his desk. tell me something about yourself, the sheriff said. there is not much to tell, the stranger replied. i have lost my way and lost my memory and do not know who i am, so i wander through this mysterious universe as best i can. perhaps i can help you out, said the sheriff. he took a small notebook out of the top drawer of his desk. the sheriff tapped on the notebook. i have a list of questions here, he told the stranger. i am kind of ignorant, the stranger told him, and not very good at answering questions. that is not a problem, said the sheriff, as there are no right answers to the questions. there are only 20 questions, and they are multiple choice, with each question having four possible answers. are you with me so far? i guess, the stranger replied. there are 1,099,511,627,726 different possible sets of answers, but not nearly so many humans , so by matching the answers on file from the test you must have taken previously, we can quickly match you with who you really are. are you ready? as ready as i am going to be. here is the first question. alice’s favorite color is a. red b. yellow c. blue d. green green, the stranger answered. question number 2: bob’s favorite food is a. pizza b. cheeseburgers c. french fries d. chocolate cake french fries question number 3: corinne describes herself as a. a feminist b. a socialist c. an artist d. a lost soul a socialist the questions continued. when they reached question 17, the sheriff announced, i think we have a match, but we will finish just to be sure. all right. question number 20: tony is a. ready but rough b. debonair c. his mother’s pride and joy d. just a guy debonair, the stranger answered. very good. you are edward clayton morgan, of sector 233 of the illinois galaxy, and you are wanted for the murder of your wife and your best friend. an old story, but always a sad one. i will make the arrangements for your return. your wandering days are over, my friend. thank you, said the stranger. i should feel some relief, but i can not help feeling somewhat disconcerted by these proceedings. oh? and why is that? are there no more secrets? no more mysteries? secrets! mysteries! the sheriff laughed. no, and no more strangers. and, the sheriff added as he put the notebook back in his desk, soon there will be no more towns.

celebration

by fred flynn

a great celebration had been prepared. had in fact, been in preparation for decades. a celebration of the new year - the year 1,000,000. and a celebration of the crowning of the new imperator. the new imperator whom everybody already loved, as their face and hologram and life and loves had been steadily broadcast for years before the coronation, ever since they had been chosen by lottery from the empire’s seven trillion inhabitants. a whole city had been built for the celebration and coronation , and all the inhabitants of the empire transported to it to witness the great events. seventeen days of feasting and dancing and partying had preceded the day, feasting and dancing and partying such as the universe had never known. now all was in readiness. a golden throne had been set up on a great platform at the back of the newly created city. the new imperator, the old retiring imperator, and the archbishop waited in a room behind the throne. a long, wide boulevard stretched out in front of the platform. the boulevard itself was empty and swept clean, but behind barricades on either side, the citizens of the empire waited. the seventeen days of partying had exhausted them and they waited silently, many with tears of joy running down their cheeks. directly in front of the great platform and on each side of it stood serried ranks of detachments of the elite units of the various imperial armies, in their splendid uniforms - red for the avars, blue for the bulgars, green for the partisans, gold for the scythians, white for the amazons, and so forth. a brightly colored battleship from each of the imperial space navies floated overhead. the archbishop appeared on the platform. he approached a small lectern in front of the throne. the archbishop looked out at the massive crowd and the wide, empty boulevard. suddenly a lone figure appeared at the opposite end of the boulevard. a man. a lone man. a man in black. with a pistol strapped to each hip. he began walking up the boulevard, toward the platform and the archbishop. the crowd was silent, stunned… then a cry rang out… * the next day. a gray, overcast day. the same crowd has been assembled along the boulevard. they are silent, even more than yesterday. the imperial regiments are drawn up around the platform as before, but they are all dressed in black. in place of the throne, a gallows has been erected on the platform. the man in black, who had walked up the boulevard the day before, stands on the gallows with his hands tied behind his back. a hooded figure emerges from the room behind the platform. the hooded figure carries a black book. suddenly a murmur is heard from the crowd. another figure has appeared at the other end of the boulevard. it is a little dog. it runs up the center of the boulevard, wagging its tail, and barking… * it was almost closing time at the shelter. the little dog looked up at the man. i think he really likes you, mr perkins. isn’t he a cute little guy? yes, he is. and friendly. yes, he looks friendly. his time is almost up. if you don’t take him tonight, and if nobody else shows up in the next fifteen minutes, we will have to put him to sleep tomorrow… i don’t know. i can’t make up my mind…

a day at the beach

by fred flynn

alex, dylan, lee, preston, chandler, harper, taylor, kennedy, jody, and gray were dropped off at the beach , with strict instructions as to their regimen for the morning. they were to run two miles along the beach, rest, swim a half mile out and back, rest, do the series of aerobic exercises they had been taught to do, and then wait for coach morgan to bring them their packaged lunches, which they would eat on the beach before beginning the afternoon program. they had plenty of water if they needed it. the beach was lined with hot dog and ice cream stands but coach morgan had not thought it worth mentioning to the students that they should be avoided. chandler and harper were running the first of the four laps of their two miles when they passed one of the hot dog stands. a muscular plebe behind the counter of the hot dog stand shouted to them as they passed, best dogs on the pacific coast! only two dollars! special sauce included! chandler threw an amused glance at harper but neither broke stride or responded to the young man’s call. when they had run half a mile, they stopped, turned around and ran back the way they had come and passed the hot dog stand again. and the muscular young man was still behind the counter, but with a slight scowl on his face. these are good dogs, he yelled. healthy as all fuck! give them a try, they won’t kill you! again, chandler and harper did not break stride, but chandler turned as they passed and gave the troll what he, chandler , thought was a friendly smile, indicating that while he had no intention of buying a hot dog, he was taking the fellow’s shouts in a spirit of good fun. chandler and harper each took a few swigs of water when they returned to their original starting spot. alex and dylan were also at the spot but chandler and harper did not think to mention the hot dog vendor and his truculent behavior to them. chandler and harper set off on the third of their four laps. this time when they passed the hot dog stand their tormentor was standing in front of it. chandler and harper deliberately avoided looking at him as he shouted. what are you, too good to eat a fucking hot dog! with special sauce! contribute to the economy, why don’t you, you one percent pieces of shit! there was an ice cream stand just past the hot dog stand, and this time the young woman behind it also yelled something at chandler and harper, but they could not make out what they said. one more time, harper laughed as they started back on their last lap. i wonder if he will pull a gun on us this time. but chandler did not laugh or smile at her words. they approached the hot dog stand for the fourth time. the muscular young man was still standing in front of it, leaning back against it - at least, chandler thought, he is not standing directly in our path - and he had been joined by the young woman from the ice cream stand. i think it’s sad, the troll shouted, just sad. you don’t know what you are missing, college boy! the young woman from the ice cream stand laughed, but before the troll could continue, chandler stopped. look here, fellow, he addressed the young man, this has gone far enough. so far as i know this is a public beach, and i don’t know of any law that requires me or anyone else to patronize any particular establishment, no matter how special their sauce or how special any other attribute they may possess… as he spoke, chandler became aware that a small crowd of snickering plebeians was gathering around himself and harper. the hot dog vendor smiled. i guess you ought to know about those things, college boy, going to college and all. actually, my friend, you give me too much credit, chandler replied. at the moment i am only in prep school. only in prep school! the young woman from the ice cream stand repeated, and she and the troll and the gathering crowd all laughed as if this was the funniest thing they had ever heard. come on, kid, lighten up, the troll laughed. what did you think we were going to do to you? we’re at the fucking beach, not in the jungle of outer mongolia or someplace. he threw his muscular but short arms to the sky. turn that frown upside down! it’s a beautiful day! and we’re in america, harper added. that’s right, babe, we’re in fucking america! ha, ha, ha! chandler always felt that he had acquitted himself well, and had learned some valuable life lessons from this encounter. fifty years later, chandler found himself holding the title of secretary for intergalactic relations for planet earth, and as such was the head of the diplomatic team confronting the advance party of the petrocerian empire, whose outrageous demands regarding interstellar trade routes had aroused angry mobs and emboldened demagogues in cities across the solar system… but whose military capacities could only be guessed at… as he walked down the corridor of the petrocerian ship, chandler hoped that the firmness he had shown on that long ago day at the beach would stand him in good stead,…

the strange ones

by fred flynn

ernie felt the squares coming back even before he heard them open the front door. it was an ability he had developed through the years that he had been free. the closet was right beside him but he had already tried to open it and it was locked. he did not really like hiding in closets anyway. the window looked too small. and it was on the other side of the room from where he was standing and the squares must have run up the stairs because he could hear them right outside! same thing for the bedroom - too far away and the bed was flat on the floor and you could not hide under it anyway. there was nothing for it but to get behind the couch. he would probably end up having to fight his way out. and he was not in the mood for that. damn! he got behind the couch just in time. the squares opened the door and came in. there were two of them. the usual number, like it was a law or something. sometimes there were three, and once in a while there was only one. one time, one time only in ernie’s experience, there were four. what a nightmare that had been! he did not like to think about it. there were two voices - a man voice and a woman voice. ernie thought he was pretty good at telling a man from a woman just from their voices, although lately he had had a few surprises. the man voice spoke first - we just started - i can’t handle this. you said that before, the woman voice answered, you’ve said it a hundred times. no, only ninety-nine and a half. very funny. that’s why i always wanted you to stay away from millicent. you always were thrill crazy, doris. go away, kid, you bother me. that was my grandpa’s solution to everything. but you never gave me a chance to show what i could do. that’s why i have the blues every day. you should have spoken up. because i had the blues every day too. and i had dreams once. oh, frederick, you and your pathetic dreams. but i was always told to go away and stop bothering people. yes, it is so easy to forget, isn’t it? but i loved the sound of the rain. damn, ernie thought, they don’t seem to be getting any closer to the bedroom door. that’s enough about me, the man voice said, what’s for dinner? i suppose i will call and get what i want - a couple of vanilla crepe suzettes and a strawberry smoothie, if you are interested - and you will call and get what you want. it’s been so long since we dined together. or had thrilling, indescribable dreams. but you never gave me a chance to show what i could do. finally they got to the bedroom and closed the door behind them. ernie made his escape with a swiftness born of years of practice. he got down the stairs and out into the street. the night was just beginning to fade. as he headed for the shelter of the park, ernie thought about the conversation he had heard between doris and frederick. some of it had almost made him laugh, and want to put his own two cents in. sometimes ernie almost wished that he was a human being, that he could go out in daylight, and that he had friends.