i don't like this story

by corinne delmonico

once upon a time there was a beautiful young princess. she lived in a faraway castle on the edge of a faraway sea. everyone in the castle, and the kingdom, loved the princess. but their love was not enough to prevent the princess from being unhappy, and from spending long hours looking out the window of her room at the top of the castle, and sighing as she looked out to sea, i don’t like this story. it’s stupid. but have only just begun it, miss gray replied. why not give it a chance? i have already given it more of a chance than it deserves. why must all stories be about princesses? and castles and handsome princes? why not about something else for a change? well that is a reasonable enough request, miss gray smiled. let me start over. once upon a time there was a beautiful young governess. how absurd! governesses are not beautiful. if they were, they would not be governesses. look at yourself - you are as plain as a stick left out in the rain. miss gray had been warned that sandrine was a horrid child, so she was not entirely surprised by these outbursts. but she was prepared to endure the most wretched and obnoxious child, in preference to the hunger pangs she had experienced when she was lacking employment. once upon a time there was a person who was neither rich nor poor, fat nor thin, beautiful or ugly, or young or old, and the person lived in an old house on a hill overlooking a dismal swamp. not half so dismal as this story is starting out. one day the person was looking out the window of the old house, and saw a space ship in the sky. oh no! science fiction! i absolutely loathe science fiction. all right, one day the person was looking out the window and saw a motley band of creatures appearing over the brow of the hill. the brow of the hill? what a quaint expression. are you sure you even know what it means? nobody uses it any more, except boring old governesses. let us enter the modern world, if you please. a motley band of creatures appeared on the crest of the hill. there was an ogre, a vampire, a werewolf, a cowboy, a witch, a pirate, and a little dog. cowboys? pirates? did i not just say i wished you to enter the modern world? what part of “ modern world” do you not understand? let me start over. please do. this is your last chance. a young woman named pathfinder smith lived in a great city at the edge of the world. she had a cat named constance and a boa constrictor named bartholomew. pathfinder and constance and bartjholomew were hungry all the time, but they hoped to strike it rich by developing a comedy act and appearing on a television show called superstar search. pathfinder had a day job at a day care center and she attempted to hone her comedy skills by telling jokes to the small children entrusted to her care. one day there was hurricane, and the roof of the day care center was blown off. two young men arrived to fix the roof. one was a giant named george and the other was a dwarf named washington. george and washington both fell in love with pathfinder, and as they were fixing the roof, they both laughed so hard at the jokes she told them as they worked that they fell off their ladders. one of the children in the day care center was a little girl named alice james, and she was the richest little girl in the world. her best friend at the day care center was a little boy named millard fillmore, who lived in a hole in the ground behind an opium den … i do not at all like the way this story is progressing. i have heard stupid stories before, but this opens up whole new vistas of imbecility. i think you are attempting to be, in what you no doubt consider a subtle manner, sarcastic at my expense and are not making a sincere effort to entertain me. therefore i am having you sacked. * sandrine watched from the window as miss gray disappeared down the road. how she envied her! free as a bird, free to wander over the earth wherever she wished. not like poor sandrine, a prisoner in this miserable old house with all the boring servants and the even more boring old relatives! * once upon a time, miss green began, there was a beautiful young princess. her name was matilda, she lived in a faraway castle on the edge of a faraway sea. everyone in the castle, and in the kingdom, loved the princess. except one person. her sister, princess mirabella, who bitterly resented that the princess had inherited the kingdom when their father, good king walter, had perished in battle defeating the dragon army and saving the kingdom. one night mirabella sent a raven with a message to the castle of the dragon king… i hope i am not boring you, miss green interrupted her own story. the story is an old one, and perhaps familiar. oh not at all, sandrine replied. please go on, it is quite the most fascinating tale i have ever heard…